Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
