you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
