She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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