Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
