Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just gargled with NyQuil
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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