I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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