My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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