She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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