we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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