If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
