i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
