There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
