Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
