smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
