I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
