thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
