its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
