I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
