We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
