My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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