do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
