i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
