just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
