Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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