Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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