wakey wakey hands off snakey
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
