the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
