4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
