dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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