Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
