Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
