He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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