I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
