I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Boobs speak an international language.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
