I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
