So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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