if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
