new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
