I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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