I just pynch a tree in the face
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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