sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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