your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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