I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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