Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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