Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
