We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
