Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
