i would punch a child for taco bell
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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