My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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