I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
