sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
