I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
