i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
